Chapter Eleven     Open and Unobstructed Communication

What would you think if I told you that the number one problem in most marriages today has been a lack of communication between the husband and the wife? A wife finds that she suffers from being frustrated because she feels like she can’t get her husband to talk to her. Sometimes she says that she feels like she is all alone, even with a house full of children. And that sometimes she even feels lonely in a room full of people.

The husband says, “It doesn’t do any good to talk because she’s already made up her mind anyway.” Or often he says, “I’ve been working all day long, and I really doesn’t feel like talking right now.”

And as time goes by, they slowly, but surely build up a wall between themselves, and before too long they come to feel like they have become strangers in their own house. They both say, “We used to be able to just sit and talk to each other…but now?”

But we have to ask one critical question, what happened to these two people who started out being so loving in the beginning of their marriage relationship? I mean they were both so in love, and caring for each other when they started, how could they come to this end?

Here are some of the more common reasons that husbands and their wives fail to communicate with each other effectively:

•        They start to take each other for GRANTED.

•        They try to AVOID any CONFRONTATION with each other.

•        They don’t want to HURT the others person’s feelings.

•        They become OBSESSED with their OWN INTERESTS.

•        They feel like the other person is trying to MANIPULATE them.

•        They are in too much of a HURRY to pay any REAL MEANINGFUL ATTENTION to what the other has to say.

For a marriage and family to work as God has designed it, these barriers must all be brought down. These are strongholds that Satan uses to corrupt and delude the relationship. He does this because he knows that he is a defeated foe, and that he can never take away the eternal life of one of God’s little children. But he can, and he does try to rob us of our peace in this world. Well, the only way to defeat him in his wicked quest is to restore open and unobstructed communication with one another, and to follow the example of Christ Jesus in our everyday lives.

Remember how we said that husbands are to “love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it?” (See Eph. 5:25.) There are two aspects of Christ’s relationship with His Bride that we need to look at, and which needs to be applied to the marriage and family.

The first is found in Isaiah 9:6, “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.” We see that Jesus, who is a Counselor and a communicator…He is the Living Word of God (See John 1:1). He came down from heaven to communicate the will of God to His children by His words and His deeds. He openly communicated with His Bride, the Kingdom Church.   And   is even   now at the right hand of the Father, and He instructs us to “come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.” (See Heb. 4:16).  Beloved when we go to Him we have the full assurance that He hears our prayers and that He has suffered in every respect that we have and is “able to save them to the uttermost that come unto God by him, seeing he ever liveth to make intercession for them” (See Heb. 7:25).

In what way does His example of communication with His Church apply to the marriage and family relationship? Let’s take a look at a few:

•        Husbands NEED to talk to their wives.

•        Wives NEED to talk to their husbands.

•        Husbands NEED to PATIENTLY LISTEN to their wives.

•        Wives NEED to PATIENTLY LISTEN to their husbands.

•        Both the husband and the wife NEED to feel that they can respond openly and honestly to each other.

•        When PROBLEMS arrive, and they will come, they should be able to talk them out together.

•        Husbands and wives should look for every opportunity to OPENLY COMMUNICATE with one another.

•        Every opportunity to talk with each other should be viewed with utmost VALUE.

Jesus is the head of the Body, the Church, and as her head He must be in touch with all of His members, and so in order for the one body of the marriage and family to function as it was correctly designed, we must follow His example. Just like a person’s head must have an unimpaired connection through the nervous system with every part of the body or else the body will fail to work smoothly. The head tells the other parts of the body how and what they need to do to work right. It is the head that tells the hand that it has pain when it is injured. It tells the feet how and where to walk. And so on, and so on. And if this communication is somehow interrupted the body will fail to function as one.

Beloved this is the same way it is in the marriage and family. The husband is the head of the home, and he must communicate with his wife. And she must feel that she can freely and openly communicate with him. Without this free and open communication, for without it there will be nothing but trouble and much difficulty.

Today, it seems like in most cases that when the time comes when the husband has the desire to talk about the way his day has gone, he usually only wants to talk about the facts, and only the facts. While on the other hand the wife needs to talk about something that she views as being much deeper. She needs to be able to talk about her feelings. Within her there is no real meaningful communication unless she can freely talk about both his and her feelings about this or some other subject. She feels that there is real communication, only if, and when she can talk about her own feelings, as well as the feelings of her husband.  And she needs to be able to talk about her feelings, about her children, and about his and her day!

God has instilled within women the wonderful sense of motherhood that requires her to be in touch with this most delicate area in the marriage and family relationship. When she asks her husband the question, “how was your day?” husbands need to know and understand that she does not want him to just tell her about just the facts of what happened that day. No, what she desires is a heart communication. Yes, and she feels that she needs to know the emotion that was involved his day. Husbands, if you were to stop, and ask her why she is this way, she most likely would answer that this is a need which is in her very being. A need that she can’t explain to him, nor put into words, all she knows is that it’s there, and it needs to be satisfied. And he must understand that this is something that she needs, and respond to that need in a kind, patient and loving manner.

But you wives also must learn to be patient, and understand that sometimes this is very hard for your husbands to do with you. Why? It is because of their nature and the fact that they tend to only need to know the facts. Sometimes just stop and watch and listen to men when they talk to each other. Listen and see how many times they talk to one another about their feelings. Most of the time, in their conversations, they feel like they need to take care of the business that’s at hand.  God has designed your husband so that he is the bread-winner. Our Lord has so designed him in such a way that his focus will be on the day to day care for providing the material needs of his family. And when he does fulfill this need most of the time he will be satisfied that he has done his duty. But, dear husbands please understand that there is so much more to being a husband than simply being the breadwinner. Yes, much, MUCH more!  Just like Christ provides the material needs of His Bride, the Church Kingdom of God, He also is there when we go to Him in prayer with all of our troubles and burdens. So too, husbands need to set aside some time to simply patiently listen to what their wives have to tell them. And to not try and stop her in every other sentence and try to fix her problems and concerns. She is not telling them to you so that you can fix them. She needs to be able to simply tell you about them. There will be time later on to address her issues, but for the time being simply stop and listen. And I mean REALLY LISTEN! 

Men need to go God and ask of Him to grant them this understanding in order that they might be able to become the husband and father and head of their family as he is designed to be. And women too, need to seek out the LORD in order that she might become the kind of wife and mother that she is designed to be.

We men sometimes ask God for the wrong things, the Apostle James says that we “desire to have, and cannot obtain,” that we “fight and war, yet” we “have not, because” we “ask not” (See James 4:2).  James also says that “if any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (See James 1:5). For husbands and wives this is a wonderful promise from God to us which we are required to come to Him in humility of heart and spirit. We men may not fully understand the depth of this need of our wives, but we need to understand that it is there in her, and learn to respond accordingly!

In the next Chapter we will try to look at necessity of a having “LOVING RESPECT” for one another in the marriage and family relationship.