Chapter 8       A Shared Identity

I repeat again, “trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. It shall be health to thy navel and marrow to thy bones” (Prov. 3:5-8). So once again it is time for self-examination.  We need to see ourselves, as being one husband and one wife, no longer taking the view that we are living out our lives only for and unto ourselves. No, as we examine ourselves, we must understand that we have now entered into a new and wonderful relationship, which is the union of marriage and family, one husband and one wife, with both of them being right now, at this present time, partakers of the second building block that we will examine, which is “shared identity!”

Looking back into the Garden of Eden to the time when God presented Eve to her husband, Adam expressed it this way, “this is now bones of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” And then Adam goes on to say, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (See Gen. 2:23, 24.)

They, and we here today, having entered into the one union of marriage and the family, and are bonded together into one shared common unity. And as I have already said, that when one suffers pain, they both suffer. And when one experiences joy, they both experience joy. To sever this union causes permanent damage to the both of them. We will suffer just as if we were to cut off one of our own arms. Have we ever heard of a painless divorce? No, there is always pain. It may be hidden down inside, and out of open view, but beloved, it’s always there. If we think that it’ll not cause any pain we are only fooling ourselves. Not only does it cause severe pain to us as husband and wife, but also to each and every person that is involved in our relationship, and more especially to our children!

Beloved, our focus must be on preserving this most sacred union. We need to live out our entire lives in that union by fully sharing in one shared identity. The husband must always be looking at the needs of his wife as if her needs are his needs. Why? Because they really are his needs! And the wife must always be looking at the needs of her husband as if his needs are her needs. Why? Because really are her needs!

They are to seek to find and follow that common path, which is set before them by God, their Creator. The husband is to be the head of the wife. As he faces life’s struggles he is to pray to God for His guidance. Not just for himself alone, but for his “help meet,” his wife, and then to also to go to her and seek out her most valuable counsel.

What? Are you saying that I should ask my wife what she thinks! Yes indeed! You are the head, but God has given you a wife as your “help meet.” Yes she must, and I emphasize must, absolutely must be included in the process of leadership of the marriage and family! She must be included because how “can two walk together, except they be agreed?  (See Amos3:3.) Have you ever thought about what would happen if you were trying to take an unruly and fully-grown Saint Bernard dog out for a little walk? This dog weighs in at about 250 pounds. And when he wants to walk another way, there is going to be quite a struggle to walk the straight path. Peace and harmony are only going to come to the marriage and family relationship when they both live out their lives in the oneness of a fully shared identity. Now we need to understand that it’s not always easy to live out this oneness in our everyday lives. Why, because our sin nature gets in our way. We find ourselves like the Apostle Paul, who says, “for the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.” (See Rom. 7:19.)

We find that all of our own accustomed habits, backgrounds, education, parents, and yes, even our hang-ups that we have brought into the relationship get in our way.

We must also remember that Eve was not created to be a clone of Adam. But she was created to be a unique individual. She was created similar to Adam, but she was different, both physically and emotionally. Her needs were different from his needs, and she could only find them fulfilled in him.  But her needs were his needs. And he was fulfilled in his role as the husband when his view was toward her wellbeing.

Little Child of God, we must examine ourselves and ask God to guide us in following after the pattern that He has created for the marriage and family. Yes, it takes the grace of God and lots of work to be able to dwell in this oneness, but beloved, it is well worth the effort. King David says “behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity.” (See Psa. 133:1.) We too will receive God’s most wonderful blessings when we learn to live together in unity.

We can always look to the scriptures, the word of God, for our examples, the Apostle John writes, “for there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one. And there are three that bear witness in earth, the Spirit, and the water, and the blood: and these three agree in one.” (See 1 John 5: 7, 8.) We call this union the trinity, because “these three are one.”

And we find that when the Lord told Moses to build the tabernacle after the “pattern, which was” shown to him on the mountain (See Exod. 25:40.), Moses could not just build the tabernacle any old way. No, God Himself had given him the “pattern” that he was to follow after. And this was a “pattern” that was designed by the hand of the Creator Jehovah God.

Believe me when I say that if we follow after that pattern of unity in the marriage and family that God has given us, we will find our fulfillment and the joy that only comes to us through, and by that relationship.

The “pattern” of the marriage and family relationship is one man and one woman brought together into one common union. It doesn’t even matter that they don’t believe that this union exists. They are bound in the union. And when they try to ignore this fact, they always, always…always suffer the consequences! They start out in life being two, and they become one, and are bound together into one another’s lives. And this binding together is a once and for all time bond. And yet dear brothers and sisters this binding together is an ongoing process. And it grows over time.  It takes love, patience, and forgiveness to bring this oneness into a reality in our everyday, day-in and day-out experience. Yes, it’s at best a growing process. And as it grows by the grace of God, it will bring the fruits of a secure and mature relationship. And remember that this requires lots of work on our part. Both the husband and the wife must put all of their labor into it. And beloved I tell you again that it’s well worth the effort! The man and the woman are no longer alone! They are not alone even when:

•        She has traveled three hundred miles to visit her mother.

•        He has to go on a business trip and is staying in a motel room a thousand miles away.

•        She is in labor pain during childbirth.

•        He has lost his job.

•        She has to go into town to buy the groceries.

•        He goes to that three-day association meeting in the next state.

•        She decides to be a stay at home mom.

But how can these things be? It can only happen as they become one. Even though they are two persons, yet by the grace of God they have become one in union and one in purpose. And this is in keeping with His grand divine design, they are both one. Even with all of their personal differences they have chosen to walk together throughout their lives as one. They now have a shared Identity!

May God bless us to come together and continue this study as we try to look at another essential element in the marriage and family relationship, and that element is unconditional love.